Connect Instead of Correct

Contributed by: Ginger Rothhaas, Compassion Fix

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 Sometimes when we gather with family and friends, we encounter some sensitive moments around divisive topics, differing opinions, or past hurts. In our country right now, there are a lot of things to talk about, and we all want to be right. But as compassionate people, we can make more progress in getting people to listen to us if they first feel loved and safe. When someone feels under attack, their brain cannot receive your opinion or contribution to the conversation. If all brains around the table feel safe, the conversations can be thoughtful and kind.

An easy way to stay thoughtful and kind is to connect instead of correct - think about ways to connect with someone rather than correcting their thinking.

When we feel safe, we are more likely to be curious and explore new ideas. Before your gathering, think through what topics will likely be raised and how you want to handle them. Having a plan ahead of the event helps you manage your brain and move out of the fear center and into the calm, thoughtful center. When you are afraid, your brain sounds the alarms at any indication that conflict is beginning to occur. When you have a plan for how you want to handle the conflict, you move out of your amygdala (fear center) and into your frontal cortex, which allows you to be rational, logical, and clear thinking. With a plan, you can be your calmest self and not react based on fear.

Start your gathering by setting a tone of love and respect for every person there. See the good within each person. Think about what pains and scares them. When we remember that we are all walking around concerned and worried, then we are more likely to have compassion for one another. Often, the more someone is living in fear, the more irritable they are. Instead of arguing with that person, see if you can approach them gently like you would approach a child who is afraid.

Here are some prompts to help you move the conversation toward connection rather than topics that tempt us toward correction. Have a couple of these in your pocket to ask an individual or use them to prompt everyone to share around the table.

·       Who’s had the greatest impact on your life?

·       Where is the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?

·       What are some of your happiest family memories?

·       If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

·       What has being a member of this family taught you?

·       What’s a typical day like for you?

·       What are you looking forward to in the coming months?

·       What do you love to do so much that it makes you lose track of time?

These questions will help you learn more about those you love and may lead to new insights about those around the table.

I understand that we all have that one person who can push our buttons, and it’s hard to always take the high road. Give yourself permission to disappear for a few moments of self-compassion. Take a quick walk, sit in a quiet corner, or seek out the kindest person in the room. Remember that you are a good person and talk to yourself with loving encouragement.

Gatherings can be lovely and gatherings can be hard. We are all trying to find our way. Follow where your heart leads you and take the path of love—that can never be wrong.

TRY THESE

1.     Before the next gathering where you know people will have differing views from yours, jot down some ideas for conversation topics besides the controversial ones. What would be fun to talk about with these people? What would you truly like to know more about in their lives? What could you offer as a conversation starter? Also, make a plan for what you will say if the conversation goes a direction you don’t want it to go. Have an exit strategy ready so that you can change the topic or leave the conversation if it gets too intense. Focus on connecting, not correcting. Love wins.

2.     In parenting it can be very helpful to remember "connect, not correct." Children want to feel a loving, supportive connection with their parents, not always be corrected. It is tempting to see parenting as a duty to correct a child's behavior or thinking. Instead, think of your duty as being a loving, safe adult for this child. Connect first, then you can have a loving conversation to guide them.

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Ginger Rothhaas, MBA, MDiv. is a seminary trained compassion coach who teaches about compassion at the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality. She is the founder of Compassion Fix Coaching, and she has written a book of mental health practices titled Being Human: 150 Practices to Make it Easier. She lives in Kansas City with her husband, their two teenage children, and two very enthusiastic dogs.

You can find Ginger at:

Websites: gingerrothhaas.com, compassionfix.com

Facebook and Instagram: @gingerrothhaas and @compassionfix

New Book: Being Human