Draw Your Circles

Contributed by: Ginger Rothhaas, Compassion Fix

I see a lot of women who think they need to be all things to all people, all of the time. We so often think we need to take care of everyone, and if we don’t, we’re failing. It’s important to determine which relationships need the most attention right now.

Many clients I meet with are overwhelmed by the feeling that they need to take care of every- one. One woman I worked with was in the process of choosing an assisted living facility for her hospitalized mother, her daughter was about to graduate high school and had a party to plan, and on top of it all, her husband was in the process of starting his own business. Emotionally exhausted, she wasn’t eating or sleeping—she was on the verge of collapse.

Together, we used a tool I call “Drawing Your Circles” to help determine where her focus needed to be right then, and to help her triage the needs of others in order to better take care of herself.

We started with a big circle, then drew three more inside that circle, each smaller than the one before. Inside the smallest one, in the center, we wrote her name. She was priority one: she had to eat, sleep, and do everything else that was necessary to keep herself healthy. In the next circle, we put her mother; that felt like the relationship with the most pressing needs at the moment. In the next circle, we put her graduating daughter, whose needs weren’t as pressing—her party could include last-minute decorations and pizza, which were both perfectly fine. Finally, in the largest circle, we put her husband and other children, who at the moment, didn’t have any pressing needs and would be just fine if her attention went elsewhere.

She’d also mentioned a few friends she was afraid she was ignoring; she felt like she was dropping the ball on texting them. I was able to show her that while they were important to her, they were actually a few rings out from anyone else who needed attention right then. They could wait and would understand why she was slow to respond.

Drawing your circles can help provide clarity as you set priorities, make commitments, consider whose opinion counts, and decide how best to focus your energy on those most important to you. It helps you determine who needs you the most right now and who can wait, so that you don’t try to help everyone and burn yourself out in the process.

The circles will change as needs are met for some and new needs arise for others; just because someone is further out right now doesn’t mean they’re not important, and doesn’t mean you won’t have the time or energy to focus on them later.

On a piece of paper, start by drawing a small circle. Put your name in that circle, since it’s important that you take care of yourself first. You can include others along with you, but take care not to overwhelm yourself with too many. Be realistic about who may not need as much care as you think, so that you don’t end up overextending yourself.

Draw a second, larger circle surrounding it, continuing to add more circles and names as you determine who’s in each one. Consider who you care about the most, whose presence you value in your life, whose opinions matter the most, and who primarily receives your love and attention—and offers it back. The circles might include a partner, children, immediate family, dear friends, coworkers, extended family, or others.

Everyone in your life is important to you, but this tool can help you remember where to focus your energy right at this moment.

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Ginger Rothhaas, MBA, MDiv. is a seminary trained compassion coach who teaches about compassion at the intersection of neuroscience and spirituality. She is the founder of Compassion Fix Coaching, and she has written a book of mental health practices coming out in Fall 2023 titled Being Human: 150 Practices to Make it Easier. She lives in Kansas City with her husband, their two teenage children, and two very enthusiastic dogs.

You can find Ginger at:

Websites: gingerrothhaas.com, compassionfix.com

Facebook and Instagram: @gingerrothhaas and @compassionfix