Improving Midlife Intimacy

Contributed by Heather England, Ph.D, Love Filled Life

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Midlife ushers in many things that directly impact our intimacy with our partner. For most men and women, our desire for intimacy typically begins to decrease during midlife and then continues into later life. However, for women, menopause brings about body and hormonal changes that can dramatically impact your interest in intimacy.

There are many reasons for declining libido: hormonal changes, physical and health-related illnesses, a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship, challenges such as erectile dysfunction or pain during intimacy, plus ageist beliefs that older people do not have enjoyable intimacy.

However, for many people, intimacy gets better with age. This is because in midlife, we have more time, energy, and privacy available for intimacy, we are not exhausted from the demands of raising children, we have greater emotional maturity, and intimacy is more connecting because we have cultivated friendship and emotional intimacy with our partner through shared activities. Finally, by this stage in our relationship, we have learned how to have meaningful conversations with one another, and we are more in touch with what we want and need, both in and outside of the bedroom.

Many women falsely believe they have low desire because they expect their interest in intimacy to mimic what it was when they were young when they spontaneously felt a rush of desire. Instead, as we age, feeling close and connected and loved is the pathway to desire for women, whereas intimacy itself is the pathway for men to feel loved and connected. The couples most satisfied in the bedroom are those who have cultivated a deep friendship with one another. They feel close due to the emotional intimacy in the relationship and because they spend quality time together.

Many people who are dissatisfied with their intimacy are surprised to learn that the first step to improving this is to intentionally strengthen their relationship through meaningful conversations, shared activities, and doing little acts of love. Beyond that, there are specific things I suggest all couples do to improve midlife intimacy.

• Talk about what you want and need in your relationship to be happy. Also, talk about your intimate wants and needs.

• Resolve conflict so it doesn’t linger and cause resentment.

• Prioritize your physical and mental well-being. (Health, diet, exercise, sleep, quality relationships, stress management)

• Address any health-related and sexual health concerns such as erectile dysfunction or pain.

• Prioritize quality over quantity when it comes to intimacy.

Aside from strengthening your relationship, the best advice for couples in midlife is to change their mindset to redefine intimacy beyond intercourse into whatever feels pleasurable and connecting. I encourage people to expand their intimacy menu. Try something new. Make intimacy fun and playful. Flirt. Dress up. Go to a hotel. Use toys. Use lots of lube. Take the time to figure out what you enjoy at this stage of your life and tell your partner.

Intimacy provides a way to express deep love that is especially connecting and satisfying. By making small changes, you can find your way back to the enjoyable intimacy you shared with your partner in the early years of your relationship. You might even make it dramatically better!

Heather England, Ph.D., MBA, LCP, LCPC, CST. is a clinical psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and executive and life coach who teaches about the power of strong relationships and the importance of intentionally creating the life you truly want. She is the founder of Love Filled Life, and the host of the Great Sex Podcast. She lives in Overland Park with her husband, college-aged daughter and energetic dog. She spends as much time as possible with her blended family of six adult children and her incredible grandkids. She likes to enjoy the sunshine, explore the Kansas City metro, and hang out with friends.

You can find Heather at:

Websites: www.heatherengland.com, www.lovefilledlife.com

YouTube: @lovefilledlife

LinkedIn: Heather England PhD

Facebook: Heather England

Instagram: @drheatherengland