Slow Life

Contributed by Heather England, Ph.D, Love Filled Life

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Recently, my big brother died unexpectedly. His death was the most recent in a series of friends and family I’ve lost in the past two years. We are reaching that stage in our lives when all of us will grieve loved ones. It’s a painful yet inevitable part of growing older.

My own grief caused me to do deep soul searching about the meaning of life. I’ve been charging through midlife at breakneck speed, always busy. Losing so many loved ones in a short period of time was my personal reckoning that I needed to slow. it. down and sort. myself. out.

My brother Jeff’s passion was playing his bass guitar. His biggest joy in life was performing for others. He died from a massive heart attack immediately after finishing an evening performance with his band at the American Legion Hall. Isn’t it wonderful that he did the thing he loved most on his last night on earth?

Jeff named me as the executor of his “estate” so I spent a whirlwind several days in my hometown in upstate New York making all those decisions necessary after a loved one dies, including figuring out what to do with his house and possessions. When I wasn’t sorting through my brother’s belongings at his house, I met with an attorney, contractors to repair Jeff’s house, and a realtor. It was non-stop and I felt pressure to get as much done as possible.

But the most important thing I accomplished during that short trip was something I call “slow life.” I drove to the small town, an hour away, where my brother died and met with the 5th generation funeral director to collect his ashes. A 5-minute visit became an hour-long conversation about life, our country, faith and what made life meaningful for each of us. I explained to her that I was trying to embrace “slow life,” which to me, was the opposite of the hectic and busy lives most of us experience.

“Slow life” means taking time to connect deeply with others and to listen to them in a way in which they feel both seen and heard. It’s also a form of self-care because it forces us to halt the busyness and reprioritize our energy towards taking a breath and doing something meaningful versus accomplishing another task.

After I left the funeral home, I felt drawn to stop by the American Legion where my brother died. I met the young woman who had given him CPR when he collapsed. She was suffering from the trauma of him dying, and it was even more agonizing for her because her mother had died in a car accident two months earlier. She was overcome with grief and worry because she couldn’t save my brother. When I told her that he had a DNR, so it was good he didn’t survive the lengthy CPR, the relief that washed over her was palpable. She felt absolved. We hugged and cried, and I thanked her for her heroic efforts and validated the grief and trauma she was feeling.

Later, as I drove back to my hometown, I felt such peace and gratitude that I had slowed life enough to spend so much time with her and at the funeral home. And then, instead of going back to the house to sort through more belongings, I decided that could wait until my next visit to town, and I spent the rest of the afternoon visiting with my aunt. That spontaneous visit meant the world to her and was an important part of our grief process. Work will always be there, but people will not.

We often are unaware of the difficulties others are facing. We never know how much a smile, a kind word, or taking time to listen to someone will mean to them. For me, as I journey through midlife seeking purpose, this is what gives my life meaning. And I can’t do this without practicing “slow life.”

Heather England, Ph.D., MBA, LCP, LCPC, CST is a clinical psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and life coach who teaches about the power of strong relationships and the importance of intentionally creating the life you truly want. She is the founder of Love Filled Life, and the host of the Great Sex Podcast. She spends as much time as possible with her blended family of six adult children and her incredible grandkids. She likes to enjoy the sunshine, explore the Kansas City metro, and hang out with friends.

You can find Heather at:

Websites: www.heatherengland.com, www.lovefilledlife.com

YouTube: @lovefilledlife

LinkedIn: Heather England PhD

Facebook: Heather England

Instagram: @drheatherenglandS