When Our Partners Annoy Us (because yes, they absolutely will!)

Contributed by Heather England, Ph.D, Love Filled Life

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Relationships are a rollercoaster ride of emotions, filled with moments of joy, passion, and, yes, irritation. We all have those little things about our partners that get under our skin, whether it's their messy habits, differing interests, or other quirks that make us want to pull our hair out. But amidst these annoyances, it's essential to discern between true deal breakers and the things that trigger us, because left unmanaged, they can tear us apart.

Understanding Deal Breakers

Deal breakers are the big guns of relationship woes. These are the actions or behaviors that fundamentally go against our values, boundaries, and principles, making it nearly impossible to sustain a healthy relationship. Examples of these are abuse in any form, financial disagreements, sexual incompatibility, breaches of trust such as affairs, and a lack of empathy or connection. These types of issues demand serious attention and may require professional help. Left unresolved, these types of problems lead to resentment and disconnection.

The Gray Area: Non-Deal Breakers

Then there are the pesky little annoyances that aren't quite deal-breakers but still manage to get under our skin. Maybe it's your partner's penchant for leaving dirty clothes strewn across the bedroom, the way they eat, or their habit of snoring like a freight train. While these quirks may grate on your nerves, they don't threaten the very foundation of your relationship.

What You Can Do

Instead of letting these annoyances fester and build resentment, it's essential to approach them with a growth mindset. So, how can we better handle those pesky non-deal breakers that crop up in our relationships? You’re likely not going to change your partner’s behavior. Instead, you’ll need to change how you respond to it.

Here are a few strategies to consider when our partners annoy us:

1. Process Your Feelings: Take the time to understand why certain behaviors trigger strong emotions in you. Is it tied to past experiences or unresolved issues? Processing your feelings is the first step toward managing your reactions.

2. Change Your Mindset: Instead of allowing small annoyances to upset you, what if you thought about how changing your mindset or seeing the situation differently might help? Sometimes, you may need to leave the room when you are irritated and practice some positive self-talk to work through your feelings.

3. Practice Gratitude: In moments of frustration, take a step back and reflect on the qualities and cherished memories within your relationship. Focusing on the positives can help put things into perspective.

4. Find Compassion: Remember that your partner isn’t perfect and has their share of past wounds and vulnerabilities. Practicing empathy and attempting to see things from their perspective can foster compassion and deepen your connection.

5. Agree to Disagree: Not every difference of opinion needs to be a battleground. You may need to agree to disagree to maintain individuality while preserving harmony in the relationship. If you are neat and your partner is messy, you may need to accept that this is something that likely won’t change. Your neatnik approach may annoy them as much as their messiness or leaving the dishes in the sink approach bothers you.

6. Learn to Compromise: Often, learning to compromise and find a middle ground is necessary to maintain a healthy partnership. For those of you married to heavy snorers, you may need to wear earplugs at night, so your partner’s snoring doesn’t ruin your sleep.

7. Be Curious: Instead of jumping to conclusions, approach your partner's behavior with curiosity. Ask questions, seek understanding, and engage in open, honest conversations. This can uncover deeper motivations and fears, and also foster a sense of connection.

Relationships are messy, beautiful, and everything in between. By learning to navigate the things that annoy us, we can cultivate deeper connections and create space for love to flourish. So, the next time your partner's quirks start to grate on your nerves, take a deep breath and remember: it's all part of the journey of a loving and evolving relationship.

Heather England, Ph.D., MBA, LCP, LCPC, CST. is a clinical psychotherapist, certified sex therapist, and executive and life coach who teaches about the power of strong relationships and the importance of intentionally creating the life you truly want. She is the founder of Love Filled Life, and the host of the Great Sex Podcast. She lives in Overland Park with her husband, college-aged daughter and energetic dog. She spends as much time as possible with her blended family of six adult children and her incredible grandkids. She likes to enjoy the sunshine, explore the Kansas City metro, and hang out with friends.

You can find Heather at:

Websites: www.heatherengland.com, www.lovefilledlife.com

YouTube: @lovefilledlife

LinkedIn: Heather England PhD

Facebook: Heather England

Instagram: @drheatherengland